By Natalie Issa
Are you looking for a Romeo to your Juliet? A Heathcliff to your Cathy? Here’s some fool-proof tips on how to make the apple of your eye yours!
1. Keep an open mind about it! Sure, that one guy told you that women solely belong in the kitchen. But maybe he’s just insecure about his masculinity! That’s something you can completely change about him. Of course it’ll be a challenge—but who doesn’t love a good challenge?
2. Remember that one girl who broke your heart in high school? Don’t let that go. Literally never forget about it. Just let those feelings of pain and abandonment fester inside you. Yes, it may close you off from future relationships. But it will save you from further heartbreak. You’re welcome.
3. Know your limits. If he doesn’t seem like the right guy for you right away, then he probably isn’t. Like that one guy with the glasses and the Star Wars shirt. Don’t go out with him. He’s a nerd.
4. Idolize the object of your affection. Fantasize about how perfect your relationship could be. She is perfect. She could do no wrong. Who needs reality? It’s boring and disappointing! If you go in with fantastical expectations, she’ll rise to the occasion.
5. Remember what dating is really for. That’s right—getting married. That one guy that asked you out? He wants to marry you for sure. Better make your decision soon. It could completely change the rest of your life.
6. Hanging out? As friends? That doesn’t exist. If she texted you asking if you want to grab some ice cream, she doesn’t really want ice cream. She obviously wants to coerce you into marrying her. Watch your step. Before you know it, she’ll be walking you right down the isle.
7. So he finally texted you back. Now it’s time to analyze every single detail. How many exclamation points did he use? Are there two y’s on the end of “Hey”, or three? Did he use a smiley face?? Keep looking. There’s a hidden message in there somewhere.
8. How can you catch your ladylove’s attention? Easy. Never, ever talk to her. Just stare at her from afar. Eventually she’ll be so captivated by your gaze that she’ll just walk right up to you. And after that, still don’t talk to her. Make her do all the work. Girls dig that.
9. Does your crush relentlessly tease, bother, or make fun of you? He’s not a jerk. He’s actually into you, and it’s a ploy to get your attention. Just put up with it until he does something nice. Because under those layers and layers of seemingly meanness, there’s a good guy in there! Maybe he only chooses to make an appearance once in a thousand years. But it’s totally worth it.
10. Okay, so maybe the love of your life shot you down. What do you do now? Cry. Take a vow of celibacy. Clearly this was a sign that you should never, ever put yourself out there. There’s no one in the world for you, and you’ll just spend the rest of your life alone. So go buy yourself a million cats, and watch something on Netflix. You were clearly meant to be a crazy cat person. Better get used to it now.
Now go forth and conquer! Or, if you're like me, you'll just stay in and watch Netflix. Either way, good luck!
(Image via stocksnap.io)